OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
