everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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