Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
