I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
