3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
