Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You did what with his pubic hair?
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