Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
