I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
