you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
