He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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