I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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