Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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