I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
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If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
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Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint