We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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