Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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