he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
