you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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