I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
