this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
