I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
