They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
