Im at strip club and am horny
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
