Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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