he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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