Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
