All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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