Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
