Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
