Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
