someone threw a dead crab at me
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
it's like heaven, but drunker
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
