Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
