i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
