yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
