A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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