I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
