No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
