not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
