This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
