And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
