I met the friendliest cop last night
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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