So drunk, too bad you don't want this
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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