a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
