Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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