I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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