i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
