you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
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only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
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Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize