i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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