You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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