Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
