Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
