dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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