I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
